So, I am in love and feeling so conflicted.
Is it possible to have a heart THAT big? To adore two little angels THIS much?
I feel like I am cheating on my Roa when I stare in awe at my Gunnar's head control, when I watch his little body twist at the trunk, when his little feet kick up to his belly. He is so PERFECT! And happy... calm. So different.
Things seem to be going right on track for Gunnar T.
I have to say that I still have fears. That sick feeling in my tummy when he arches and spits up. That anxiety when he has his 7:00 "Witching hour" and is fussy without much reason and a challenge to soothe. The exhaustion of being up at 3:00am with a wide awake infant.
I remember all to well the HOURS of rocking and pacing with screaming, arching little Roa. The nights of absolutely NO sleep. The inability to soothe and console him which lead to feelings of doubt in my parenting skills. Crying and Crying.... all of us crying.
With Gunnar, it is just different. I can read his cries. I can soothe his tears. I needed this moment of motherhood.
I needed that feeling of peace when you hold your baby. I needed that sense of true mother/infant bonding that I was robbed of with Roa.
It wasn't that I didn't bond with Roa completely... just in a different way. It was like the way a mother lion protects her cub. It was with a nervous edge- to fix things, to try and understand, to heal him, to plead to others to give us time to figure him out and not judge our overprotection.
I feel just as I wrote... robbed of motherhood joys with Roa. Robbed of watching his accomplishments and the wonders of a growing child. HE was robbed of a comfortable babyhood. HE was robbed of peaceful, easy development.
It makes me so sad.
Yet, I feel such joy when dressing little Gunnar and he doesn't hold his arms and legs stiff and tights. I laugh with joy as he brings his little hands to his mouth and chews away..."Wow, look at that hands to midline skill!" AMAZING!
Last week, he rolled from his tummy to his back without arching, crying, refluxing. He is perfect.
I hope, I pray, I mourn, I celebrate. I am conflicted. I am so in love with two such different little angels.
oh Jennifer, I so know what you mean about feeling robbed. Try to look forward (wish I could take my own advice) and enjoy every second with each of your amazing boys. Sometimes I do think that its probably harder when the SN child comes first, as you can never experience those first firsts and joys and curiositys and amazements that only a first child can bring to a new mother.
ReplyDeleteI call my two yin and yang, because its in their differences that I can celebrate each of them and love them differently for who they are!!
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