Choices

I probably shouldn't be blogging today.  I'm having one of those days were the negative thoughts are outweighing the positive.  Beware as you read.  If you chose to judge me for my message, that is your choice.

Yesterday, I had the glucose testing doctor's appointment where you drink the sugary drink and wait an hour.  Bloodwork was done along with a doctor visit and all is well.
Trouble in my mind occurred during the hour wait time. 

I love to read and was actually looking forward to this hour of just simply sitting and reading.  I brought with me my Parents magazine, my latest novel for fun, and my Teaching Motor Skills to Children with Cerebral Palsy and Other Movement Disorders book.  Being in the "let me learn" mode, I chose the therapy reading.

I have had this book for months and reference to it for ideas and facts about CP, but this day, I started from the beginning and read all the chapters that apply to where Roa is right now.  It was hard reading.  Scary thinking of the "your child may NOT"... phrases that occur.  Scary to see the pictures of babies working on skills that Roa has a difficult time mastering such as complete head control, remaining on his tummy while at play and actually using his arms and hands while being on his tummy, finally working through that ATNR reflexive pattern that stops him from bring his hands to midline together to play.
This book is great and very informative,...don't get me wrong.  But, along with reading it comes the internal drive to FIX these defects in my boy.  The drive to follow through with all the listed exercises in the book to strengthen muscles and inhibit negative reflexes. 
So this morning, I did my best to go through the "work out".  I may have limited abilities myself to bend at the waist and lift and turn with my pregnant belly, but as God as my witness,... Roa was going to complete the routine (at least two times a day, the book suggests)!!
Problem is, my Roa doesn't smile and giggle through the "Happy Baby" exercises like the toddlers pictured in the book.  Roa yells, complains, and fusses.  He arches and tightens and resists.  Two exercises into the routine and we both were sweaty, mad and in tears.

That has been life with King Roa since day one.  Cute, smiley and babbling away when left to lay on his back and kick at the ground and swing his beads or grab at a balloon string. Of course, with the unfaltering attention of the caregiver at hand. Happy to be positioned in to his "comfort zone" positions and be entertained by you, but the minute we turn to "work",... it gets down right ugly.  And as his mommy, I break down and stop the work. 
I don't want to be that person.  I don't want to have my baby boy cry and look at me with those sad eyes and pouty lip.  It breaks my heart to have him cry and fuss with the therapists, but at least he can come back to Mom for comfort.  I don't want to be the "bad guy".  Call me a whimpy parent.  Call me soft.  But if you have never had to deal exercises for your baby, workouts that you MUST perform according to doctors and therapists, while your child fusses, struggles and cries,... can you really judge?